Monday, July 13, 2009

Boyfriend Likes Immodesty. What To Do?

The following is an excerpt from an email we received from one of our readers. "Tiffany" wrote us about her boyfriend, a guy who doesn't share her views on purity.

Dear Hannah and Lindsey,

I don't know if you have time to read and respond to e-mails from your blog readers, but I am looking for some Godly advice. My boyfriend of 2 months and I are both Christians, however we both have different views of women. He likes it if I wear clothing that is revealing, and yesterday upon seeing a young woman wearing an off the shoulder top that revealed much of her stomach, he told me that he thinks it is hot when women dress like that. We are both strong in our faith and it surprises me to hear such statements from a Christ-follower.

Purity has always been something I value. At the beginning of our relationship I explained that I am not interested in kissing someone until I am in a very committed, marriage bound relationship. He respects my decision to guard that aspect of my purity, but I know it is disappointing to him.

I would love to hear your opinion on these issues.

Love,

Tiff

Dear Tiff,



Thank you for sharing such a personal concern with us. What you’ve described sets off the alarm-bells in our minds.Your Spirit-led intuition here is absolutely right: it should surprise you to hear such statements from someone who is a Christ follower. You say that you want to be in a committed, marriage-bound relationship, but your boyfriend isn’t guarding his eyes and mind from lust and temptation. That’s an immediate red flag. If he has a cavalier attitude towards women and sexuality now, there’s no reason to believe that this proclivity will diminish by any means after marriage—with other women. We’re relieved that he hasn’t pressured you to drop your standards, but consider if that is likely to change if you do reach a more serious level of dating, or engagement.


Another cause for concern, we think, is his attitude towards modesty. We know that modesty is something God commands of women and that immodesty can tempt men to lust. If your boyfriend wants you to dress more provocatively, he is effectually asking you to open yourself for public viewing (not just his own). We urge you to ask yourself if your boyfriend demonstrating appropriate protectiveness over you and your purity. If you were to someday marry him, would you want him (as your husband) continuing to have this laissez faire attitude about your safety? Please understand, we're not inferring that dressing immodestly would directly put you in harm's way or that your boyfriend should be an overbearing protector--we refer to the same kind of loving protection and indignation father or brother would feel if his sister or daughter was violated or lusted after. If he loves you or seeks to love you in a Christ-like way, your boyfriend should want to protect you becoming an object of lust.


Secondly, if your boyfriend is really desiring purity, you must wonder why he wants more temptation by asking you to reveal more. He may talk about agreeing with your standards, but unless his actions follow, it's hard to believe that he wants to be pure, too. If your boyfriend is truly seeking the Lord, he should be running away from temptation, not inviting it. (James 4:7)

All things considered, we recommend discussing these issues with your boyfriend. But before then, we even more highly recommend that you pray for wisdom. Ask yourself and ask your Heavenly Father if it's wise and God-glorifying for you to continue in a romantic relationship with him. Do you have godly parents, a pastor or mentor who could pray with you about this? At first blush, it may sound antiquated to seek them out, but they'll have wisdom to share-- and it's biblical to pursue their counsel.


Finally, we want to encourage you to be strong. Don't be afraid to do what's right. God is faithful and will never leave you and if you seek to honor Him, even if it means a tough sacrifice-- He will be there to help you succeed.


We've been very careful in picking our words here, because we know it's so much easier to give advice than to have to live it out. In your case, what you have at stake is your boyfriend. So please understand that what we're writing to you doesn't comes from flippancy, but from a genuine desire to help!

With that said, we wanted to leave you with a final quote from one of our favorite authors, John Ensor. We hope this helps.

"Sisters, there is power in waiting. If you give away this God-endowed power and simply act, as the apostle Paul said, "like the Gentiles who do not know God" (1 Thessalonians 4:5) and satisfy his lusts, you undermine God's work of maturing manhood. So part company with the crowd....

There are potentially good men in the mix, but how will you know the seemingly mature predatory male from the immature provider-protector type of man who is ready to grow up? Purity is the litmus test. Waiting will reveal the heart of the matter." -John Ensor, Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart


Because of Him,

Hannah & Lindsey