Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Case for Judgment
Well, of course" –insert awkward pause—" we don't really know his heart."
Broach the subject of a person's sin in a group conversation, lean back in your seat, and wait for it. One. Two. There—only minutes later, the qualifiers start to trickle in. Regardless of the act, someone can usually be counted on to flit to the defense of the perpetrator's unknown heart. To even entertain the thought that a fellow Christian might be violating God's law is unstomachable. How could a compassionate Christian dare to pass... judgment?
A better question could be, "How could we not?" Contrary to popular opinion, judgment is not a bad word and it is not condemned by Scripture. In fact, the Bible demands that we live with discernment (i.e. the act of judging between wrong and right). And if we know what is right, how can we Christianly condone wrong through silence?
Do judge. Judge wisely, judge well.
Does love judge it's neighbor?
Of course, since the Bible talks so much about the wrongness of hypocrisy and legalism, shutting our mouths from reproving any other person sounds humble and holy. Almost.
Here, we face something keenly ironic. The reason provided for avoiding confrontation is "love," compassion, or something nice along those lines. And yet, in almost every situation—even if we can convince ourselves of our own tenderhearted motives—the reality is much different. If I'm hesitant to bring up a serious issue I've observed in a friend's life, there's only one reason I fail to speak, and it has nothing to do with a tender heart.
My thought process runs something like this:
She'll think I'm some self-righteous Pharisee. Perhaps our relationship will be damaged. On the other hand, if I don't say anything, we can still maintain a reasonably decent friendship. Aren't we called to overlook the faults of others? Doesn't love cover a multitude of sins? If I do say something, she probably won't listen anyway. She would be deeply hurt...
On and on. I'm only thinking about myself—my coveted reputation, my discomfort. That's the antithesis of love. Love holds another person's highest good in mind—not necessarily their highest comfort. And the highest good for a brother or sister in sin is confrontation.
For most of us, that's a steep order. You know you're inflicting pain and discomfort by bringing something to the forefront of your friend's mind, just when that friend would much rather ignore it. It sounds harsh and unfeeling. Plus, what sort of nutcase raises her hand to walk voluntarily into a situation where she's likely to be interpreted as a grim-faced busybody who totes the tablets of the Ten Commandments around in her purse?
But God speaks through His people; we are His mouthpieces in the world. If we truly care for a person, his or her relationship with Christ will be our primary interest. Consequently, when we perceive something obstructing that relationship, the individual's spiritual good must become our top priority.
To be blunt, if I don't tell a friend—more than once, if necessary—when I see a serious area of concern in her life, I care more for myself than I do for her. With that in mind, wouldn’t it seem counter-productive to attempt to make the rebuke as conciliatory, suggestion-oriented, and pleasant as possible? The purpose of biblical confrontation is to present the untampered truth in love, so that conviction, repentance, and restoration may follow. In that order.
But everything I've written so far needs to be chucked promptly out the window if it doesn't accord with Scripture. Didn't Jesus strictly forbid judging in Matthew 7:1?
Two Kinds of "Judging"
I think it's possible that Christ's famous words from the Sermon on the Mount, "Judge not, lest ye be judged,” may be one of the most over-used and misapplied verses in the Bible. Christ wasn't instructing us to halt discernment. If you look at the context of Matthew 7:1, Christ was speaking against the moral snobbery that peers down at fellow sinners, while imagining to be in the place of God—holy and blameless. In context, the verse instructs about checking ourselves for the same sin before we confront anyone else on it. It doesn’t say we should avoid confrontation altogether.
Nowhere in the Bible is it remotely implied that it's our business to scorn weaker Christians, and react without patience or compassion. Passing hypocritical judgment is a grave sin, and it's an area I know myself to be particularly susceptible in. We need to be on the constant alert against the motives of our own hearts, so easily filled with pride.
At the same time, the whole of Scripture is abundantly clear that clear discernment between good and evil, truth and error, is an absolute necessity. Just a few verses after the "judge not" edict in Matthew 7, Christ talks about proper judging—by a person's actions, or “fruits.” The Lord scolded the Pharisees, "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment" (John 7:23-24). Again and again, Christ's astute rebukes stirred rage in His listeners.
Romans 12:9 exhorts, "Hate what is evil; cling to what is good," and if you read any of the apostle Paul's epistles, two things will leap off the pages: immense love for the churches he wrote to, coupled with unswerving commitment to preservation of the truth. That entailed kicking false teachers out of the Church, and reproving the Christians when they strayed (just check out 1 and 2 Corinthians). In a word? ...judging.
As believers who desire to see each other mature in Christ, we need to pray for the love to confront sin when we recognize it. As long as we're filtering the sin through the lenses of grace and the knowledge of our own depravity, it's absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Labels: discernment, relationships
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Matchmaker, Matchmaker
I haven't always appreciated the story of Isaac and Rebekah. As a young woman of the 21st century, I'm more likely to know of someone who has thirty-eight tattoos than someone who had an arranged marriage. Yet there's something about the story that is intriguing.The tale begins with a servant being given the job of picking out a wife for his boss's son, Isaac. Not a low pressure task. While I suspect the servant was a little nerve-wracked by the responsibility on his shoulders, Abraham, his boss, says to trust God. The servant then travels to Mesopotamia, picks the first girl he meets (literally), and returns home with the new bride.
One would think that this sort of marriage tactic was a recipe for ruin. For all this servant-turned-Tevye knew, the bride could be a brat. She could have had a not-so-respectable-reputation. She could be any number of things considered undesirable in the ancient world.
But the bride isn't some selfish, Mesopotamian teenager. Even though the servant didn't know the girl from Adam, she ended up being quite a catch. She was even from a good family; a relative of Abraham.
Her name was Rebekah.
We don't know much of her character, but first impressions speak volumes. Upon meeting the servant, Rebekah willingly gives him the water she just drew from the well. Then, she offers to water his camels. "So she quickly emptied her jar into the trough, and ran back to the well to draw...." Not only did the girl show hospitality to a complete stranger, but she added extra work to her day in order to serve him.
What does this say of Rebekah? She had character. She was committed to doing the right thing, even if the only person watching was a dusty, thirsty servant. She was a stellar girl. Isaac couldn't have asked for more in a wife.
I'm not sure what the odds are for successful arranged marriages, but this one was so perfectly coordinated, one would almost suspect that God was behind it. And He was.
There are dozens of unexplainable "coincidences" in this story: How did the servant chance to meet a relative of his master in a foreign country? How did it happen that Rebekah was not only of a good family--but demonstrated an amazing servant's heart and a willingness to do anything that needed to be done? And in a broader sense, isn't it amazing that God could match a young man and a young woman who lived hundreds of miles away from each other?
Then, of course there are a myriad of "what-if's" this story brings to mind. What if Rebekah had tripped that morning on the way to the well, and the servant had bumped into another young lady? What if the servant had ridden his camel a little slower and arrived at the well after Rebekah left? What if Rebekah decided she wasn't in the mood to serve others? What if--
One of those little, everyday instances could've changed the Isaac and Rebekah's story drastically.
Robert Frost demonstrated this idea in his famous poem, "The Road Not Taken," when he wrote of finding two pathways in the forest. Both looked inviting, yet he was forced to choose one. Knowing the nature of destiny, and how one single decision can impact the future, he mused:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
In the love story of Isaac and Rebekah, God didn't leave those details to chance. He made the servant's timing perfect and Rebekah didn't miss a beat.
Paul wrote: "Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways! ....For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things." (Romans 12:33,36)
This is the same God who calls us to trust Him with our own lives.
This is where the main theme of Isaac and Rebekah's story comes to the surface: Trust God. The story is not a formula to follow for a happily ever after, but it is a real-life example of what God can do and has, in fact, done. It's a testimony to God's graciousness that's as real as any modern day newspaper clipping. It's a story showing that picking our pathways may feel risky, but God ordains our steps; and that makes all the difference.
Labels: purity, relationships, trust
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Happy S.A.D.?
February 14th is known to most as Valentine’s Day. To a few traditionalists, it’s even St. Valentine’s Day. However, to a notable segment of society, it is recognized as S.A.D. (Singles Awareness Day.)Standing starkly against other holidays, S.A.D. is supposedly the lowest point of the year for singles. Where married and dating couples exchange flowers and chocolate, S.A.D. participants are content to mope on the sidelines. No chocolate candies or surprise engagement rings for them. O woe!
Much of S.A.D. sadness, I suspect, does not stem from relationship problems but from hope problems. I have never met a human being without a future hope. Whether it is a long-term career aspiration or just an anticipation for dinner, to be without hope is to be dead. In fact, all of creation is spoken of as having hope, or unsatisfied longings. (Romans 8:19) Proverbs 13:12 says that these feelings are a force to be reckoned with: “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”
Unlike the rest of the world, which may pin its hopes solely on marriage or some politically correct “mutually beneficial relationship,” Christians have a different aspiration. Augustine wrote, “Christ is not valued at all unless He is valued above all.” The hope of one day being able to value Christ above all, uninhibited by human frailty, fills me with excitement. The longing to cherish His Presence up close and to always exist in His company is, well, heavenly. Nothing compares with it; and with hope placed securely in that promised future, S.A.D. worries hold no sway.
Valentine’s Day--a celebration of marriage and love in a time where marriage is rarely respected--is a holiday for all. Singles, enjoy this day, even if you must buy the chocolate yourself.
Labels: contentment, purity, relationships
Monday, January 01, 2007
(Don't) Save Me
Dear Beauty from the Heart,
I was wondering, what is your perspective is on chivalry? The reason I ask is, at the beginning of the year I began courting a young man, with the expectation that we would discover whether or not God intended for us to become more than friends. Along the way, I discovered that I was very highly irritated by his 'gentlemanly behavior'. He would go very much out of his way to open doors for me, take something out of my hands if I were carrying it, and pull out seats for me. It sounds like a dream, doesn't it? But he became offended if I offered to carry anything for him, or open a door before he got there first. I was very confused, because my personality loves helping others and my one strength (among a myriad of weaknesses) is putting others before myself. I began to feel disrespected, as if my offers of courtesy were not valid or proper. At times, I felt as though I were his property, and by offering my services I was robbing him of some right. For many other reasons, chiefly God showing us that we were both too immature (spiritually, for me) to be considering serious relationships, our courtship was ended at the beginning of summer, but the issue has continued to plague me. What is the Biblical basis for chivalry? Is it acceptable for women to open doors for themselves, or offer to carry something if a man's hands are full? Am I being rebellious in some way by wanting to open doors when I arrive at them, instead of waiting for a man who may be a step behind me?
Sincerely,
"A Damsel in Distress"
Dear Damsel,
It's good to hear from you! You have asked several interesting questions. I've consulted my parents and God's Word and we're going to try to answer you to the best of our ability. However, if you have not already done so, I would encourage you to discuss this with your parents. They are the people God has given to guide you, and I'm sure they are more than willing to give advice.
It's true. Modern knights in shining armor have it tough these days. The damsels in distress who in medieval times would clasp their hands and shriek "Save me!" now proclaim "I can do it myself!" Is this wrong? After all, the word "chivalry" never appears in the Bible. In fact, from what I can find, the word first appeared in about 1300 AD in medieval
According to 1 Peter 3:7, women are to be treated differently by their husbands. It says, "Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel..." What does the term "weaker vessel" mean? I posted once an analogy I heard on this subject:
A pastor once explained in his sermon the differences between men and women, and what it meant to be a "weaker vessel." He showed to the congregation two pitchers. One was a plastic water pitcher. He explained: "Men are like this pitcher. It is strong, heavy-duty and designed for a unique purpose." Then, the pastor revealed a delicate, porcelain teapot to the congregation. "Women," he said as he gently upheld the fragile pitcher, "are like this teapot. It too is made for a unique purpose...but it is the weaker vessel. If I dropped it, it would shatter. If I dropped the plastic pitcher, it would not shatter. But the value of the teapot is not diminished by its delicateness. We treasure and protect teapots."
Although 1 Peter 3:7 is directed to husbands, this verse does recognize the differences between the sexes and that they should be respected, not ignored. We can see other instances in Scripture which women have been treasured and treated with deference, such as in the Song of Solomon, where a group of brothers announce that they will protect their little sister:
"If she is a wall,
we will build towers of silver on her.
If she is a door,
we will enclose her with panels of cedar."
(Song of Solomon 8:9)
You see, chivalry is really a mindset. It's about embracing the role that God has given men: to serve and protect women. It stems from an attitude in the heart that wants to honor God, by putting the needs and comforts of women above their own.
Does this mean that chivalry is limited only to men? Well, yes-- and no. The word “chivalry” is used only regarding the way a man treats a lady. But Bible is clear that we are all to be servants of one another (1 Peter 4:10, Matthew 20:26-28). It is certainly not wrong for you to desire to serve others by putting their needs before your own, even when this involves offering to carry something for someone else. In fact, it's wonderful that God has given you such a meek, serving spirit!
Nonetheless, there are many opportunities for you to serve that are unique to girls. For instance, if I am cooking dinner, I am not insulted by my brother's lack of chivalry if he does not offer to help cook. Cooking is not his strong point. (Actually, it is not mine either, but I am the person training to be a keeper of the home, and he is not!) He is perfectly capable of learning to cook, but as a girl training to be a wife and mother, I want to serve him in this way! Even chivalrous guys must need help from time to time, and should be humble enough to appreciate your willing aid.
Just the same, there needs to be humility on both sides. In order for men to be chivalrous, damsels must be willing to accept and support their actions. I know that it is sometimes difficult to make a conscious effort to allow guys to do things. At times in the past, I have insisted on carrying a heavy table myself when guys have offered to do it for me. I can handle carrying tables (most of the time) but I must step back and allow the guy to express his respect for my femininity by doing the work himself.
Thank you for writing, Damsel. I hope this helps!
God bless!
Hannah (for Kristin, Lindsey and Stephanie)
P.S. If you would like to investigate this topic more in-depth, I recommend checking out these posts on chivalry.
"The Modern Day Gentleman" (Part One of a five post series)
"Chivalry in a Modern World"
Labels: chivalry, letters, purity, relationships
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
What Are Friends For: Developing Quality Relationships
One day, a man was walking along a road, when he saw a piece of clay in his path. He stooped down to pick it up, and as he did so, he smelled a sweet fragrance. "This is but a piece of clay," said the man in bewilderment. "How is it that this scent is so sweet and fresh?" The piece of clay replied, "I have dwelt with the rose."This story came from Aesop's Fables, but the moral is simple and biblical: You will become like those you keep company with-- for good, or for bad. Proverbs 13:20 says, "Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm." And in 1 Corinthians 15:33, we are warned, "Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals.""
Psychologist Ruth W. Berenda conducted an experiment several years ago concerning peer pressure. Ten teenagers were taken into a room, where a teacher stood with three charts. Each chart had a line drawn on it, and the students were told to raise their hands when the teacher pointed to the chart with the longest line. The catch? Nine of the teenagers had been instructed beforehand to vote for the second longest line, not the longest. The teacher pointed to the second longest line, and nine hands shot up into the air. The tenth teenager looked around, confused. Then he raised his hand tentatively.
The experiment was repeated, and the results were shocking. In approximately 75% of the cases, the tenth person would raise his hand with the rest. He would say that a short line was longer than a long line, just because everyone else was doing it.
The truth is undeniable: Our friends have tremendous influence on us. They can help to bring out the best character in us, or the worst. Therefore, it is of vital importance who we choose to surround ourselves with. We can either choose friendships that will spur us on towards Christ-likeness, or we can choose friendships that will draw us in the opposite direction.
Julie is your stereotypical teenage girl. If you see her, she will probably be chatting with one of her many "friends" on her cell phone. Several times a week, and sometimes every day, she manages to tour her local shopping mall or catch a movie with one of her "girlfriends." Julie is rarely at her own home, and if she is, she usually has company. She has younger siblings that she occasionally babysits, though only after being asked by her mom several times. Julie loves her siblings, but would never consider them her "friends."
Does Julie sound familiar yet? Perhaps she resembles some of your acquaintances. Maybe she even resembles you.
Although there is nothing wrong with shopping or going to the movies with a friend, in our entertainment-addicted culture we have lowered the expectations for friendships, and have made our friendships themselves entertainment-oriented. A friend of mine mentioned wistfully in conversation the other day, "Wouldn't it be nice, if our friends were not only people we hung out with, but people we served God with?" It would not only be nice, it would be beautiful! It is what friends were made for! Friendships are not designed by God solely to add fun to our lives, but in order to encourage us to honor God.
Proverbs 27:17 says, "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." An "iron sharpening iron" relationship requires effort and dedication. Although a godly friend should love at all times (Proverbs 17:17), an aspect of that love is very challenging to apply: Occasionally, when a friend is not behaving in obedience to the Bible, a godly friend must offer a gentle rebuke. As unpopular and hard is it can be, this loving correction is a part of a good friendship. Proverbs 27:6 states it plainly: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."
In friendships that are based on entertainment, rebuke is not a part of the relationship. However, as believers in Christ, the rebuke and correction of our friends should be a result of love. The rebuke is given when needed, so that our friends may continue towards Christ. In Hebrews 3:13, Christians are told to keep each other from sin. "But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called 'today,' that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin."
An old Nigerian adage is: "Hold a true friend in both of your hands." The reason one should hold a true friend with both hands is because true friends are hard to find. They should be valued, and held tightly so that they will not be lost. Sadly, we sometimes lose and overlook our dearest friends: the friends that are within our own family.
I cannot remember having friends who care more about me or understand me better than my family members. We all have faults and sometimes drastic differences in personality, but God has chosen them to be my friends. Unlike others, my family is committed to helping me pursue a deeper relationship with Christ. When I am troubled in spirit, my parents give me wise counsel and pray diligently for me. Above all, my family is concerned about my best interest. They are not motivated by ulterior motives as other friends can be; they are motivated by love, which is the chief attribute to a quality friendship.
1 John 4:7-8 tells us that love is of God. We cannot truly love anyone in our lives if we are not first in an intimate relationship with our heavenly Father. And as with everything else pertaining to life and godliness, Jesus is the ultimate example. Jesus had an intimate relationship with His Father, and close friendships with the twelve apostles. (John 15:15) When we make it our priority to have a close relationship with the Lord, love will flow out of our lives, into the lives of our friends.
For discussion.....
- How many of your friendships would you define as "quality friendships?" (No names, please.)
- What are ways that we work together with friends to glorify God?
- What are ways to spur friends closer to Christ?
- Do you have a friend that has stuck by you for a long time? What is it that has kept your friendship going?
Labels: relationships
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